Toska

I don’t know why but I still feel like an alien in this place.
Probably because I don’t really belong here. Hmmh. But you love it here love, you do.

I remember all our sweet moments while you sit on that bench and I’m sitting on your lap like a baby on a car chair– your arms wrapped around me so cautiously, so gently, so delicately lingered around my slim waist…

Slim? You loved to call it slim even when it’s surrounded by unwanted fats; but maybe that’s the reason why I’m okay with it…
Because it’s unwanted like me. You’re the only one who wanted me, babe. And you keep on sniffing me even when we both know that we smell like barbecue smoke,
Oh love… How amazing, how long has it been?

I always told you, let’s go somewhere else. The wicked leaves stare at me like it knows I’m an outsider and they do know, love.
They’ve memorized the faces here, I told you. But you said: “Then that’s why babe, you should come here more often. So it’d memorize your face and your scent and it’ll know that you, too, belong here as much as I do. Maybe…more than I do.”
And so I touched, caressed that face of yours to whisper how you’re more than this stress you’re in. That in a few sems or few years you’d still make it. I’ll still be your love, your fan, your study buddy.

And I still sit here every afternoon at four. Because I’m still waiting for you to come home.
Love, I already teach in this citadel. Like what we’ve talked about. I am already earning my third master’s degree and after that I’ll be flying to Spain or to London, like what we’ve dreamed of. Babe, the revolution’s over. We’ve won. Where are you? Come home to me.

Because this place only wants me when you’re with me.
And I return here to feel you near me. On that garden were we sang for more than 5 years, had our feet dirty with all that mud from the rain. How you held my hand and kneeled when Bawat Piyesa played.
How in this same spot, you left and promised me you’d come back when the real war’s been won and I wanted to come with you… But love, the war’s won, where are you?
The leaves, this bench, my heart and my being’s still waiting for you.
And by the way, our son will turn five this June.

Wherever you are love, I still love you. I’m still searching for you…
Come home to me. You know where to find me, in our home by this green sea.

My white walls are the only sane objects here.
I’d like to stay in my room to absorb some of it,
Maybe drink it and inject it in
my veins, my brain and at least make me sane.

Oh Earth you told me, that we all have a split.
That it’s the most normal thing in the world.
You made me feel like it was normal and I should not hide my other 5 personalities in,
So i talk to them, laugh with them, let them out my world.

Olivia, Pearl, Sage, Maxx, Merideth, Ophelia–
They have names and I call them but then you never loved them.
You don’t even love me. You told me it was okay but where are you when the toughest times got them going?

I had the worst childhood having them around and so I kept them and you came into my life and like Pandora you opened me like I was your box,
And once again everyone was scared of me for letting out that deep laugh, scratching my pen in my paper too deep and look at people too sharply and it is all your fault.

Now as this empty white-walled room succumbed me,
As this unloving space restrain me,
In my mind we plan to kill you like the ways you don’t expect you be killed.
In our mind we reach to you and if you have nightmares by now…
You’re welcome.

Supernova pt. 2

I am a supernova
— a dying star.
Dying
Not dead.

what keeps me
from getting there…
what keeps me
Breathng.
Trying?

Oh,
If i explode
I’d give life to stars;
Beauties, unimaginable.
Terrors,
Unimaginable.
With my death
I’ll deliver,
A vaccuum
Sucking
All good things
incomprehensible.

If I die,
im nothing
But a blackhole..
Sucking life
Out
Of
Life itself.

So I keep,
Breathing,
Fighting,
Trying.

Even if
I had to
sacrifice eternal
Peace.

supernova

“so this is what a dying star looks like.”

She touched it with her fingers
and like fire, it burned her
now she’s one with its might
and together they burst
into space through time,
all parts of it were parts of her.


She looked beautiful above the skies
but she was a disaster
lost in the oblivion
nothing to hold, nothing to touch.
just a mere void with no one to love.

Dulo

hindi na ata ako makakabangon,
pero ayos lang,
tahimik dito,
masaya….?

sa totoo lang wala naman akong nararamdam dito,
hindi masaya,
pero at least…
di rin malungkot.

lumulutang lang ako,
pero di pa naman ata
malulunod.
Di pa.

Napakalayo ko na sa pagkakasagip.
Ayos lang ako, pangako.
Wag kang malulungkot,
Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo.

Sakaling piliin kong magtagal dito,
Sakaling makilala ko na Sya,
Wag kang tutungo,
Wag kang luluha.
Wala kang kasalanan,
Mahal na mahal kita.

Boundless

I was mad.
Filled with shame and disappointment,
With regrets and non-commitment.

Going out of the way,
For people who won’t pass my way…
With no care whatsoever:
If I get wounded or I’d die.

Am I just a benefit for you,
a friend you’d visit for a favor?
Someone you’d call,
When the world seems so vicious…
For you?

But this morning,
I woke up peacefully.
The sun shining on my face,
As if smiling to me,
Telling me I did him proud.

I went out of my way for love,
It may not be the people returning,
That same level of care and thoughtfulness…
But it is the universe saying I did well,
I did a good job.

If it’s the nature telling me she’s proud,
I guess Dad is so proud.
That I spread the love that He is,
But this time, there’s no expecting
Of return in the end.

Poem 5

Look at how the sun shines on you,
It’s blessing you with graces,
Making sure you feel special.

The sun chose you,
Don’t for a moment think that you’re alone,
Because you’re unique, you’re rare,
And the sun will always shine above you,
To cast the dark clouds forming by your head.

When the world thinks you’re nothing but a burden,
Spread your wings, fly.
Prove them that all their words are lies.

One day they’ll see,
That the sun was right for sorting you from the crowd.
You’re not Icarus,
So fly as you might,
For you will not fall from Cloud nine.